The 69 best dick jokes: Funny joke book

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The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” – Frankie Boyle Some other filthy jokes: Why did the basketball player disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in dribble protection! One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, “Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know… ‘Your thing’?” Moses then answered, “I don’t know, let me see if I still got it!” Why did the cyclist ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of his helmet!

What did the gardener say to his scarecrow? “Don’t be silly, wrap your hat, Willy! We don’t want any crows sneaking in!” We got a dog, and it was my turn to take the dog out,” he begins. “And as I was taking it out, my wife said: ‘Don’t forget poo bags.’ Now, if you were speaking proper English, you’d say ‘don’t forget the poo bags’ – but she dropped the ‘the’.

‘One-liners, willy jokes and puns’

A scene of the crucifixion of Jesus comes on. He’s screaming in agony as a Roman centurion hammers away at his wrists. The Roman stops, turns to the camera, smiles, and says, “You always know you’re doing the job right when you use Johnson nails!” Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figured he might want to try putting out a YouTube video to drum up some business. Why did the race car driver ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of his helmet!What did the zookeeper say to the monkey? “Don’t be silly, wrap your tail, Willy! We don’t want any swinging accidents!” What’s the difference between a man with a big penis and a small penis? The big one doesn’t need to make excuses for being small. Why did the photographer disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in capturing moments, not covering lenses!

Why did the mechanic ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of a well-oiled engine! What did the lifeguard say to the beachgoers? “Don’t be silly, wrap your sunscreen, Willies! We don’t want any sunburns!” Who said that?” The burglar shines his flashlight around the room and sees a parrot in the corner of the room. “It’s me, Moses,” the parrot says. The burglar breathes a sigh of relief and says “What kind of idiot names his parrot Moses?” The parrot answers “The same kind of idiot that names his Rottweiler Jesus.” Some of the greatest one-liners have come in response to a specific situation or person, like Winston Churchill’s famous (though possibly apocryphal) riposte to Nancy Astor’s line “If I were your wife, I’d put poison in your tea.”–“Madame, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.” Many historical figures have met death bravely with a witty line. Sir Thomas More, condemned by Henry VIII, mounted the scaffold telling his executioner, “I pray you Mr Lieutenant, see me safe up; and for my coming down, let me shift for myself.” I’m not saying it’s a bad gag, but contemporary reports say he died on stage… Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. It’s 46 years old, my penis. 46! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!” – Rhod Gilbert

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize, “Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?” The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.” The man replies, “Yeah, that’s the one!”Why did the bee ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in natural pollination! You’re not getting the keys to the car. Before you get the keys, I want three things from you. I want you to cut your hair, I want you to dump your loser friends, and I want you to start going to church again.” What is even worse than waking up after a party and finding a pen*s was drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.